Aug |29|2023 || Tuesday || 7:59pm

Feeling: Lonely

I love my friends, I really do but sometimes I feel……… left out. And I think it sucks because it will never go back to how it was and I kind of have to accept that. They have moved on to new interests and are busy with jobs and school so I should do the same. But I like my characters. I like my world. I don't want to leave it. I have things I still want to do. I dunno. It's selfish to force my friends to talk to me about ocs. So I don't and I just kind of accept the loneliness.

It still sucks tho lol

And it's not just talking. I mean building. Building lore. Like it's my favorite thing but they're busy building lore for the MC server so I don't WANT TO BOTHER THEM. And when we do talk about ocs it's usually old stuff or like teases for the future but no actual movement. I feel bad but I don't know how else to explain it. No matter, it's selfish to force them to do it, so whatever. I think I just get sad when I think about it to much

I dunno, maybe I should make more friends. I'm glad I have this website; I feel less lonely here.

Aug |27|2023 || Sunday || 10:00am

Feeling: high

I have a lot of mixed emotions. And I don't know how to ever let them all out. Letting the realization your family is kinda fucked up sucks? I wish I could have been like others where it was just very obvious? Like for some people it's super obvious. Oh my mom told me she wont accept my sexuality; she hates me. see that's easy. You know then and there the line but like my family isn't bad. Like my mom alway supports me she's always there when she can be, But seeing how my nephew is kinda having a tough life at 8 and there's like nothing I can really do about it kinda sucks. Its like my sister and her boyfriend who are the issue and there's not much I can do about it.

We... We aren't a family that talks much. And I am probably more mentally divergent then I let on and struggle sometimes to know what to do? It's really really easy for me to detach. ANd i'm not being edgy, it's just how it is. Pulling empathy from me is really hard. And I'm happy for the friends that can pull that from me. But its so hard for me to do. I wish I knew why I was like that. Probably the depression. I would blame the drug but I wasn't on drugs in college and I still felt this way.

Honestly i should be medicated

Anyways on a less depressing note, might change my therapist. She pisses me off the way she just listens and doesn't challenge me. And people who waste my brain engagement piss me off. So fuck her. Gonna change it in Oct with my medical insurance.

I'm going to try and be consistent with this. And update once a week. I want this to be mine, That's why i built this on my computer and just housed it on this site. I want to build my own pc but i have to wait for the economy to crash. And I need that to happen soon. Millionaires are falling, we just need to get to old money and get them. Sorry for the quick radical moment. It just sucks that I have to slave away at the most stressful job of my life and I can't even afford my own apartment. Like that's so stupid.I just have to be there for 10 years and then I get retirement so all I have to do is make it 10 years and then I can resign and go work somewhere else. It will never be art. Just because I love doing this and monetizing it would kill my love for it. It's the same reason why I only take commissions from friends. To have a "demand" for your content is nice until they just start expecting it. Then your seen and another unseen cog in the creative flow they interact with and not a fucking person. Sorry I don't know where I'm going with this.

okokay im done ranting about nothing. I just have a lot of thoughts all the time lol

also also, I want to go to Universal for my birthday.

Aug |19|2023 || Saturday

Feeling: ok

This was going to be for Shrines but I actually really like this format for my blog. I think im just going to go ahead and make it that instead. I want to get back to writing in my journal but lately i feel like I might be too negative with it. I really like writing out my thoughts but when they are fully negative I makes me not want to revisit it.

so im going to try my best to make my blog a mix. I have alot of things I want to add to this site but I want to try to keep this up too.

Lets see if i get this live now lol!